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rosina's spacelife on an edge June 14 Ma auta gulaf
Ma. Ma Gulaf. Auta gulaf. Auta sano gulaf. Auta rato gulaf. Auta nafakreko gulaf. Auta sano rato nafakreko gulaf. Ajhai kopila awastha ma nai chhu. Bagaicha ko auta kuna ma chha mero thau. Yesko mali le mero bishesh herchaha garchha. Pani dine, mall rakhne, kira fatyangra dekhi bachaune, ani hanga binga chhatne dekhi liyera sab kaam garidiyeko chha. Mali ek mali matra nabhayera auta rakchhyak ani jeevandata baneko chha. Ma khushi chhu, sukhi chhu. Mero sundar sano swargarupi sansar yehi nai chha. Bagaicha ma aru pani dherai ramra ful haru chhan. Para ko chhitiz ma indradhanus dekhinchha, tara ma ta yaha tyo sapta rangi indradhanus bhanda ajha rangin indradhanus rupi fulharu lai dekhna sakachhu. Hunashakchha tyo para chhitiz ko indradhanus ek bhram matra, tara yi ful haru mero aankha ka bhram hoinan. Ma yiniharu lai chhuna sakchhu, mahasus garna sakchhu, yehi duniya ma nai ramauchhu. Yi ful haru- sab ek sa ek! Ko bhanda kun chai ramro ho, ma chhutauna sakdina. Sayad jasle yo bagaicha dekheko chha, usle pani tyehi bhanthyo hola.
Harek din hami ful haru bich pratispardha huncha. Ko bhanda ko ramro chha bhanne baadbiwaad chalchha. Sayapatri, beli, chameli, lalupate, champa, bhayagute, sirish, lajawanti, kukur, putali, lahure, parijaat, sungava, sab rangibirangi fulharu bich. Sab chittika pareka. Sab afnai kisim le sundar, afnai thau ma uchcha. Uni haru sab lai dekhda lagchha ki ma ek swarga ma chhu. Manau tini haru sab apsara haru hun. Menuka bhanda kam chhainan koi pani. Bishwamitra ta k, thulo bhanda thula maharshi pani yiniharu ko rup ranga dekhera aakarshit hune khalka! Harek din bihana surya udauchha ani tyo ujyalo ma mera aankha tirmirauchhan. Yiniharu ka haubhau, dhanga, ani banibehor dekhda ma chhakka parchhu. Kati aakarshak huna sakeka. Haina, yiniharu raat bhari bholi ajhai ramro kasari banne bhanne tarkhar ma lagchhan ki k ho. Jati din jadai garchha, ma uti nai uniharulai sundar dekhchhu… aja bhanda bholi ramro, bholi bhanda parsi, ani parsi bhanda arko din! Kaslai sundar bhanne, tyo hiu bhanda seto chameli lai jasko basna para para samma pani failinchha; tyo ragat bhanda rato lalupate lai; tyo safal prem ko chinha sungava lai ki bhagwaan ko pyaro parijaat lai? Kaslai? Ani k adhar ma? Yo soundarya ko ta byakhya garna sakine rahenachha. Barnan garera pani sadhya nai nahune. Yiniharu sab bhinda bhindai rang ka, prakaar ka, jaat ka. Tara sab ko lakshya autai. Fulne, fulaune, fulna dine. Ful- resham bhanda ajha badhi reshami, komal bhanda ajha komal, ani sundar bhanda ati sundar.
Yo pratispardha harek din suru huncha ani anta huncha taba jaba chara haru afno ghar farkina thalchhan, bhariya haru din bhari ko thakan metchhan, jaagire haru karyalaya bata ghar farkanchhan, keta ketiharu khelna daudinchhan, ani gham pashchim ma astauna thalchha. Hamro astitwa yehi gham, pani, jamin, kira fatyangra, chara haru ma nai chha. Gham, pani ani mato hamro dainik purbadhar haru ani kira fatyangra, pasu pankchhi pani bansha kram jari rakhna chahine. Sayad yesko lagi nai hola, sab ful sundar bhayeka. Aakarshan ko lagi.
Suryamukhi surya dekhne bittikai lajayera musukka hasdai dinahu bihana purba farkinchhe. Mirmire ujyalo dekhi parkhinchhe kahile aune ho bhanera. Manau ek stri le afno lahur gareko logne kahile ghar aune ho bhani bato kurera baseki hunchhe. Auta asha hunchha mutu ma. Ek jhhino asha. Tyo asha jo pura huna pani sakchha, na huna pani sakchha. Ani surya sanga sangai chalchha usko jindagani. Usko sansaar nai tyo ananta aakash ma rahane surya ho. Jameen ko tyo suryamukhi aakash ma raheko surya jasto tejilo bastu lai man parauna pugche. Kina ho ma karan patta lagauna sakdina. Tara feri huna pani manai ta ho! Man paryo ta paryo, yesko agadi kasko k nai jor chalchha ra! Bhagwaan Krishna ko ta kei lagena bhanepachhi hami ko nai haun ra.
Malai lagthyo, ghaam, pani, hawa, maato ta hami sabailai chahinchha. Yi ta hamra bachne aadhar hun. Tara tyesari ghaam lai herera matrai kasari afno jivan bitaunu ra! Surya ka ti kiran haru le afulai sparsha garyo bhandai ma kina afno saara jivan nai uslai soompinu parchha ra? “Prem” ho bhanchhe tyo suryamukhi. Ke yehi ho prem? Prem le ta sukha dinuparne hoina ra? Yo ta auta pabitra anubhav hoina ra? Yesto pani huncha ra? Yo prem pani kasto achamma ko chiz! Huna ta ma yo bisaya maa ma pokhta ta hoina, taipani je janeko chhu, je malai lagchha, sochchhu… yesto prem ko k artha jasle pida bahek aru kei didaina? Sukha, shanti ta para ko kura.
Sadhai oo afno tann, mann, dhan uslai sumpinchhe, tara surya lai k matlab? Oo ta uska kiran marfat sab lai sparsha gardai hidchha. Kasai mathi ulse afno hak jatayeko chaina. Tesma nai khushi chha oo. Prem ko bandhan ma uslai badhinu chhaina. Oo eklo chha, bandhan rahit chha, chanchal chha, tara kartabya bodh chha. Oo ta bihana auchha, afno kaam garchha ra saanjha astayera janchha. Uslai k thaha ra k matlab suryamukhi usko upasthiti ma kati khushi hunchhe bhanera, ani usko anupasthiti ma raat bhari eklai suk suk runchhe bhanera. Tara bichari garos pani k, usle afno pida lukauchhe. Lukauna sakchhe je hos. Afno pida lai hasera nai tarchhe. Kahile malin dekhidaina usko anuhaar. Hasekai hunchhe sadhai. Ujyalo ma ta tori bari jastai pahelinchhe. Yedi sachhikai soon ma sugandha hune ho bhane ma yo naam Suryamukhi lai nai dinthhe.
Surya ko agaman sangai oo ekchoti feri musukka haschhe, haasi nai rahanchhe, sara dukha, pyaas birsera, kebal uslai lai herna. Ra kebal herirahana. Kati man lagdo ho uslai afno mann ma bhayeka bhawana pokhna, afno kahani sunauna, afno jivan kebal usko sewa ko nimti arpan garna, ani usko man jitna, uslai afno banauna, tara garos pani k bichari, kasari bhanos ti mann ma ubjeka tarangaharu. Bas herchhe, haschhe matrai. Kehi boldina. Usko yo sansar ma aru kunai lakshhya chaina. Oo uslai pauna chahanchhe yo thaha huda hudai ki uniharu ko milan sambhab chhaina. Taipani lagirahanchhe afno lakshya tira. Bhanchhe, k thaha kunai na kunai din ta usko aankha oo mathi parchha ki, ani uniharu ko milan hunchha ki! Kunai din surya uslai dekhera akarshit bhayi uska lagi matrai udauchha ki! Oo yehi kalpanik duniya ma byasta chhe. Kunai din! Aah! Yo kunai din kahile auchha?
Bhanthe, prem andho huncha. Aba ta afnai kaan le sunepachhi, afnai aankha le dekhepachhi jhuto bhaneko hoina bhanne ek kisim ko karr nai lagyo. Bhanna ta malai pani mann thiyo ki, hey suryamukhi, timi aankha ugharera hera, sapana ko duniya lai chhoda, ek naya jindagi jiu, ma timilai sahayeta garchhu, timro saathi banchhu, bastabikta lai herna mera yi dui aankha naso dinchhu. Tara uslai dekhera lagthyo ki usko jivan nirarthak hoina, lakshyahin chhaina, mero sochai ma nai kunai khot chha, maile nai kehi galat socheko chhu. Lagthyo, maile prem ko paribhasa nai bujheko chaina. Ma ta auta sano kopila matrai. Kati nai jivan jiyeko chhu ra. Maile ta ajha jivan dekhnu chha, bhognu chha. Kadai kada bich fakrinu chha. Sahanu chha. Pida lukaunu chha. Hasnu chha. Aru lai dinu chha. Aru ko nimti fulnu chha. Ani maile pani kunai din prem garnu chha. Kasailai aafu prati akarshan garnu chha. Kasailai afno banaunu chha. Kasaiko afno bannu chha. Afno bansa lai kayam rakhnu chha. Tara k eti matra ho ta mero kartabya?
Ma thamyauna sakdina. Afaile afailai prasna garchhu. Hajarau, lakhau prasna haru oyiriraheka chhan dimag ma. Tara ma uttar paudina. Kebal jawaf bina ka gahrunga dhunga jasta prasna matrai chhariyeka chhan mero yo sano mastiska ma. Yo bhar bahan garna garho hune ta hoina? Dimag le sochchha garo huda thakai marna baschhu tara darr lagchha, katai mero yo ek chhin ko thakai metna le mero jindagi ek alpabiram wa ardhabiram ma na bhayi purnabiram ma gayera rokkine ta hoina? Mero yo jivan ko antim chhyan tyehi bela hune ta hoina? Antata: ma jivan rupi bato ma hiddai chhu. Paila sardai chhu. Sakaratmak pakchya le herdai chhu. Agadi badhdai chhu. Afno jivan ko artha khojdai chhu. Sikdai chhu. Fakradai chhu. Fuldai chhu. Auta ful bandai chhu. Ful banna lageko ma afulai nai niyaldai chhu, ani banisakeko jivan lai herne prayatna gardai chhu. Afulai majbut banauna makura le banaune jalo bundai chhu. Bhabisya surakchhit parna ma afai afno angarakshak banna sikdai chhu. Kina bhane bholi malai ful bannu chha. Yo dui din ko jindagi ma subash failaunu chha. Sakdo garnu chha. Sundarta lai ajha sundar banaunu chha. Afno jivan lai sarthak banaunu chha. Ani ek mitho samjhana banera astaunuchha.
“Comma lageko mero yo jindagi” ma ahile kebal sochai haru sukumbasi jastari dera jamairaheka chhan. Ma pani khushi nai chhu afno dimag khali nabhayeko ma. Natra bachne kunai aadhar nai hunna thiyo. Ma ra yi sochaiharu bich ek sambandha jasto kayam bhayisakeko thiyo, commensal jasto. Ek arka bina dubai nirarthak hune.
Yi kada haru bich fulna ta kati kastamayi hudo rahechha. Tesaile nai hola gulaf lai prem ko pratik ko rup ma diyine gareko. Prem pani testai ta chha. Dui aatma bich ko gahiro sangam. Dui premi bich ko ghanisthata, najikpana ani duri pani. Sangai huda pani, aatma ko milan huda pani chhutinuparne. Yo pani kasto dukha ho. Prem bhanna saath ta kina kina Suryamukhi ko yaad auchha. Kati dukhi chhe oo taipani ‘aah’ suddha gardina. Suryamukhi le chahi bhane ma usko prem ko chinha banera surya ko ma janthe, chahe ma jalnu nai kina naparos, ani sayad mero jivan ko sarthakta pani pura hunthyo ki.
Aja kina ho kunni maali audaina. Usko thau ma auta naulo manchhe dekhchhu ma. Oo tara yaha hamro herchaha garna ayeko hoina. Kina k garna po ayeko ho? Sab fulharu afnai saundayra prati dhyan dinaima byasta chhan. Malai kina ho kei kura thik lagdaina. Aja kina maali ayena? K bhayo uslai? Birami ta bhayena? Yo kura le malai satauchha. Ani yo naya manchhe ko ho? Yaha kina ayo? Ani k gardai chha oo? Sanka ka dristi le ma tyo naya manchhe lai herna pugchhu. Usko aankha ma tira daudiraheko ma pauchhu. Laaj le ma bhuttukka hunchhu. Malai kina tyesle yestari heriraheko chha? Manau usle ahile samma gulaf ko ful nai yo sansar ma dekheko chaina. Ma jhaskinchhu. Tyo maanis ma tarfa lamkidai auchha. Musukkha haschha. Kasto nisthuri hasai ho usko. Usle bistarai haat agadi badhauchha. Aatha! Usko swar niskinchha. Uslai kada le ghocheko raicha. Tara kina oo malai chhudai chha? Bhayebhar ko ful haru ma kina malai? Ma trasit hunchhu. Darr lagera auchha. Katai…? Maile sanka matra k garna lageko thiye, usle tappa tipera laijanchha malai. Tyo swarga dekhi tadha, usko coat ko khalti bhitra halera. Usko mutu najik. Usko mutu ko dhadkan sunchhu ma. Tara ma ajhai chhu: trasit, bhayebhit, eklo!
Andhakaar chha yo thau. Khula ma basne mero bani, mero ghar. Mera ti sathiharu. Tyo Suryamukhi. Tyo maali. Ma kasailai dekhdina, bas dekhchhu ta andhakaar, sunchhu ta badhiraheko mutu ko dhadkan, sunghchhu ta usko basnadaar coat. Mera ti aankha jas bata maile Suryamukhi lai bastabikta dekhaune chesta gareko thiye, aja ti aankha bata yo sundar sansar hoina titarbitar bhayeko narka dekchha, samudra ma chhal ayejhai pani auchha ti aankha ma, ani moti ka daana jharchhan, jharana bage jhai. Malai bhram bhaye jasto lagchha. Tara bastabikta lai ma nakarna sakdina. Ani pugchhu ma auta sajisajau kotha ma. Usle khalti bata nikalchha malai. Bistarai. Oo malai kei nahos bhanne chahanchha. Mero rup ma kei khot na aawos bhanne chahanchha. Bistarai. Sustari. Ani rakhiyekochha tyaha auta susajit vase. Ani tyehi vase nai mero gantabyasthan. Mero naya ghar?
Ma achammit chhu. Biswasai garna sakdina. Kaha dekhi kaha ayipuge. Kasto sansar ho yo? Kun chai swarga puge ma? Yesta naula chiz haru k hun? Jata heryo ootai ful dekhine thau dekhi ma kun thau ma ayipuge? K aba yo nai mero ghar? Aba mali audaina? K aba yo manis nai mero mali? Ek prakar le ma khushi bhaye pani. Aru koi auna napayeko thau ma ma aye. Usle nai aru ful haru bhanda malai nai rojeko. Bhanepachhi maile antya ma ayera tyo pratispardha jitechhu? Aba mero jivan sarthak bhayo? Ma harsha le pagal huna lageko thiye. Afno saundarya prati malai ghamanda pani jagyo. Kebal tyo manis le malai rojeko bhayera. Ani ma khushi thiye afno naya maali dekhi. Usle malai ek uchcha sthan diyeko thiyo, oo nai mero data thiyo, usko kotha ko sabai bhanda ramro thau ma lagera malai rakheko thiyo. Ma makkha thiye. Ghari ghari ma bhaye tarfa authyo, mayalu aankha le herthyo, ayera malai sumsumyauthyo. Usko herai ma ananta maya chha. Bhawana ko saagar lukeko chha. Samundra bhanda ajha gahirai chha tesma. Malai tyo gahirai ma dubna man lagyo. Katai malai prem ta bhayeko hoina? Yeslai nai prem bhaninchha ra? K usle pani malai prem garchha ra? Usko chhowai ma pani asim maya chha. Ma yo afubhitra anubhav garna sakchhu. Laaj le ma ajha rato huna pugchhu. Usle malai sughna khojchha. Kata kata kaukuti lageko aavas huncha. Sayad ma Suryamukhi ko antarik anubhavlai bujhdai thiye. Kasto lageko thiyo hola tyo Suryamukhi lai jaba surya ko kiran le uslai sparsha gareko thiyo!
“Chhoyera matra, sughera matra prem hune ho ra; prem yesai huncha usai huncha; tara yes bisaya lai ma afai pani manna tayar thiyina.” Suneko thiye, aja lagyo yesto pani hudo raicha. Khukuri ko pir achana le bujhne rahena raicha. Parijaat le bhaneko thiyo malai, “Bhawara basnai napayepachi yo phool ko k artha?” Tara malai aja bhanna mann lagyo ki hey parijaat, malai ta aja koi bhawara nabase pani mero jivan ko artha purna bhaye jasto bhan bhayo. Phool ko sambhanda bhawara sanga matrai hudo rahenachha. Yo prem kati anandadayi hudo raichha. Yesma dukha pani nyun hudo rahechha. Kada le bharibharu jivan pani kati sajilo hudo rahechha. Hey parijaat, timi pani prem garna sika. Suryamukhi galat hoina. Hamile herne gareko prem ko paribhasa nai galat rahechha.
Yesari ek din, bitchha, ani dui din. Ma afule afulai kamjor bhayeko mahasus garchhu. Tipiyeko gulaf kati nai din bachos ra. Huna ta yo manchhe ko ma prati ko maya kam ta hudaina, ra malai usle ajhai dherai bhanda dherai maya garchha. Tara usle malai maali le malai maya garejhai garna sakdaina. Usle malai ta auta bandhan ma badheko chha. Afu ma matra simit rakheko chha. Tara ma khula ma nai jiuna chahanchhu. Kinaki mero astitwa khula sansar ma nai chha. Mero astitwa kunai susajit vase chahe tyo hira moti le nai kina nabaneko hos, chahe ma raja ko durbar ma nai kina shova diyiraheko hos, wa chahe ma bhagwan ko mandir ma nai afulai arpan nagareko hu… mero astitwa khula sansar ma nai chha. Ra ma jasto sukai sukha lai pani tyagna sakchhu tesko lagi. Sansaar ka sabai dukha bhogna tayar chhu. Tara ma afnai sansar ma ramauchhu. Hey maanish, timile malai kina tipera liyera ayau? Ma afnai duniya ma ramai raheko thiye. Aja ma kunai thau ma paila tekne sthithi ma nai chaina. Baru malai tehi bagaicha ma oiliyera jharna manjur chha, timro kritim sukha malai bhognu chaina. Timro maya malai chahidaina. Malai mero afno jivan baks deu. Malai yeti darr chha ki dhilo nahos. Mero yeti binti chha timisanga.
Usle mero pida bujhdiana. Ma tehi thau ma sadiraheko hunchu. Usle tyo dekhdiana. Sakesamma lukauna khojchhu afno dukha lai. Malai kasaile bujhdine aasha ma chhu. Tara ti aasha ko kaslai matlab chha ra. Matlabi sansar. Aba ta ma teti akarshak pani chaina. Kasari lukaunu yo tito satya lai aba? Jun saundarya ko maile ekchoti ghamanda gareko thiye, aja tesle nai malai ulto khisi udairaheko chha. Ma bibas chhu. Lachar chhu. Ma ta kebal auta sikar banna pugeko chhu. Auta sikari ko sajilo sikar. Mero najar ma oo ek swarthy banna pugchha. Usle kebal afno swartha ko lagi malai tappa tipera tyo mero sundar sukhi sansaar bata malai banchit garauchha. Ra liyera auchha afno kritim swarga ma. Afno swartha purti ko lagi. Afno sokh ko lagi. Afno bachne sahara ko lagi. Ma ta kebal auta sadhan matrai banna pugchhu: usko dukha metaune sadhan, usko sokh ko sadhan.
Usle malai chhuna khojdai chha. Mero mutu jod le dhuk dhuk gardai chha. Aba feri k? Kina? Tara aja usko aankha ma tyo maya, tyo gahirayi, tyo anantata ma dekhdina. Dekhchhu ta bas uska sithil pareka oth, ektaki chhi chhi durr durr gardai hereka aankha, khumchayeko naak, ani tyo oorathlagdo expression. Usle tyo aina ko vase bata malai afno budhi ra chor aula le samatchha. Pahile ta usle malai afna dui haat le samayeko thiyo, afno oth le chumeko thiyo, malai afno hridaya ma sangaleko thiyo, maya diyeko thiyo. Aja kina usle malai ghrina le herdai chha? Ra ma aba kaha pugdai chhu? Bagaicha ma? Mera saathiharu bich? Sadak ma? Hawa ma? Kaha? Mera aankha haru prasna gariraheka hunchan. Na usle malai kehi bhancha, na ma afai thamyauna sakchhu. Dui aula bich ma chepiyeko chhu. Ma kamjor chhu. Bibas chhu. Chhatpatairaheko pani bina ko machha saraha!
Mero anta nischit chha. Yo ma sajilai bhanna sakchhu. Usle malai afno kotha ko fohor falne bhado ma lagera fyalchha. Ma mareko chhuina. Kina usle malai mardai chha? Kina jiudo chita jalauna lageko chha usle mero? Manau ma ta ek nissar bastu hu. Mero kehi lakschya nai chhaina. Ti thuta churot ka tukraharu, raksi ka ganhaune bottle haru, kukhura ka ti jamana dekhi fyalera rakheka kuhiyeka haddiharu bich ma nissasinchhu. Aba uslai mero kehi matlab chaina. Ma ta use-and-throw ko ek chhyan bhar ko lagi sukha dine, baasna metaune ek bastu matra bhayeko chhu. Manau ma ma kunai jivan nai chaina. Kasto thiyo mero pahile ko sansar? Kata aayipuge ma? Kina ma matrai? Bhagwaan, kina malai matrai yo dukha diyeko? Kina yesto jivan diyau timile malai? Baru yo jivan dinu bhanda malai janma nai nadiyeko bhaye timro k janthyo ra? Moti ka dana jhai aansu tarara bagchhan tara kaslai k matlab? Anubhav garna sakne manish ma ta yo chetana ayena, yi mareka kukhura ra nirjib raksi ka bottle ani churot ka thuta le k garlan la! Ma bhagwan lai nikai koshchhu, tara koshera pani k nai milchha ra malai. Ma kina dukha ko bela ma matrai bhagwan ko naam linchhu? Sukha ma maile bhagwan ko pukara gare ra? Ma pani ta swarthy chhu, ek prakar le, chaina ra?
Royera kehi faida chaina. Royera jivan bitdaina. Murkha haru runchhan. Huna ta kun chai jivan bitaunu chha ra malai yaha narka ma. Manis haru sas ferna ko nimti jiuchhan. Ma ta jiuna ko nimti sas ferdai chhu. Tara kina? K ko lagi? K marepachi pani arko jivan huncha ra? Tara ma ta mareko chaina. Kina ahile marne bela ma ayera malai jiuna mann lageko chha? Kina ma sas ferdai chhu? Bachna ta garo garo, yo marna ta jhan garo hudo raicha. Jhan afu marne thaha bhayepachi ta kasto kasto asajilo hune raicha. Bachne ichchya jagera aune raicha. Jivan ma nagareka kura haru feri gayera garna mann lagne raichha.
Maanis lai kei ramro dekhinai nahune, afno swarthipana dekhaihalnu parne, eshwor ko shirsti sanga juwa khele jastai khelnai parne. Yo prem ko anubhav lai maile anubhav garna napaudai bilaigayo. “Prem katro jhuto, katro upahaas, katro nirarthakta. Kasto ghinlagdo satya, sajilai aswikaar garna nasakine!” Sayad Suryamukhi lai yesko gyan chhaina, sayad parijaat paripakwa thiyi yo kura ma! Sayad maile yo kura bujhna nikai ber lagayechhu. Sayad ma ajhai sanai chhu yi kura bujhna! Prem ko paribhasa janna. Prem lai jindagi banauna. Prem ma afulai milkauna, metauna.
Tara aja usle malai herena ta herena, maile kina prem jasto pabitra chiz lai gali garnu? Kina nana thari bhannu? Yo anubhav ta afai ma katti pabitra chha, ramro chha. Katii sukhamayi chha. Ma prem garchhu. Feri garchhu. Kasaile malai tukrayo ta k bhayo ra. K ma prem garna ko nimti layak chhuina ra? K yo dekhawati, bahiri akarshan ma matrai prem simit hunchha ra? Manis haru prem garna jandainan. Prem garnu chha ta oo Suryamukhi lai sodha jasle kebal nischal prem garna matra janeko chha, dina janeko chha, hasna janeko chha. Badla ma usle surya lai kehi pani bhaneko chaina. Oo ta kebal sparsha ma nai sukhi chhe. Testo po prem ta. Kati atal chha, kati asim chha usko maya. Kehi bhannai na parne, bas man bhitra palyo, khushi bhayo. Teti. Kati ramailo. Tara uslai pani k thaha bichari Suryamukhi, surya le pani afno sparsha dwara usko faida uthaudai chha bhanera. Yo sansar nai swarthy chha. Yo yug nai swarthy ko ho. Yaha nischhal, chal kapat rahit mann kasaiko chaina.
Rosina Shrestha April 25, 2006 6.30 PM-12:23 AM
* Lines between inverted comma are from “Sirish ko phool” by Parijaat. It was her that I was inspired to write this. And I’m indebt to her. June 02 Messy#$&*The glass in my hand
isn't even half full I can't yet take a sip But then you tell me I'm a mess The songs you played
still beat along with my heart I can't even try and forget But then you tell me I'm a mess The memories you gave
still hover around my head I can't even make out 'em But then you tell me I'm a mess That day you left
I go wandering, aimless and stupid And you now ask me Where the hell I've been? May 03 Annie's songa year, then two, then a couple more go without seeing you. memories there are
of you lingering somewhere far far, yet near
that you are this heart holds you dear letting go is hard
writing to you now is a simple little card with a feeling
oh so blue "I MISS YOU" *listening to annie's song
~you feel up my senses~
April 11 Meeting death.She died. Silent. On the hospital bed. I could feel a feeble carotid in her neck. And her eyes stared up in teh ceiling like there's something hypnotizing. And all the efforts that I tried, in vain. She was anxious, restless and how in the world was I going to know what went through her? She just moved violently. She was constantly murmuring, even her near ones couldn't make out the words she spoke. Perhaps the fear of dying, the going to the uncertain world, leaving the familiar, and the thoughts of regaining all the strength she had so used to adapt for the survival.
After seeing so much of the world, being bound up with the artificial remedies, is there a want to live more? Is there an anxiety? Fear? That so overwhelms people that they forget who they are, where theyh are, which path to follow?
And there she gives one last breath, fighting against the people, probably pledging them not to let her die, not to let her be on her own, not leave her alone.
Despite all the resuscitation, there's something even medicine can't challange with. It's probably what they call the destiny. Medicine may change the course and the duration... not the destination.
And there she lies there silent, seeing what we living can't see, and probably smiling at our helplessness. There she goes to another world, which we can never really describe.
Eyes are closed. Seemingly in deep sleep, crowd gradually disappears... one by one. The life which so mattered one moment ago, lies there lifeless, silent, still. Eyes can be mistaken for. It's the heart that cries, that longs for the unforeseen.
Nevertheless, the inevitable happens. Acceptance is all we do in the end, after all the denial, anger, bargaining, and depression; the so called Five Stages of Grief.
She will be gone but the bed she was in, is gonna remain there tomorrow, sheetless and inverted. The eventful night's gonna pass, those coming afterwards won't probably feel the fear, the rush, the anticipation, the hope... the heat of the night, but they'are all gonna know someone died. Someone who probably didn't want to die.
March 10 Today becomes tomorrowAnd I see a woman caressing a baby... up from the next storey. And it occurs to me what women want. Does the life become complete after they marry, have children and look after? The cycle goes on, and a time comes when you've experienced everything, and does it feel complete? That you've seen enough in life, or is there a want to see more, have more?
Some people who are in bed today are gone, the bed's inverted, and they're simply not there. What difference does it make? I see a young guy dying on the OT table. The one who I assured won't die. What of the false reassurance? Why is giving bad news such a pain?
... Is wanting to experience motherhood very girlish? The pain during labor... how does it feel? How would it be like knowing you have another soul growing inside of you?
I see everything. A woman desperately fighting for her quadriplegic, aphasic husband to stay alive... is it just the red sindoor, the red tika, the red bangles, the red saree?
And after everything, at the end of the day, I'm indifferent, I'm silent. The world goes just like that. And today becomes tomorrow. Yet again. February 23 One is not ready at 22One isn't ready at 22. At 22, you are but a fruit, mature but not ripe enough to be savored. You need that extra little shine, and time to be sweet enough.
hile there are factors for and against, the answer is, at most times, straight forward and clear. And if anything else, you can not blame the third person when the actual answer is within yourself. It's upto you whether you want a beautiful thing out of your life or make a mess out of the beauty.
You should know what you should do instead of asking questions that nobody answers for you. You hear but never listen to others because they don't answer what you want to hear. That's why you suffer. And nothing more.
Now is the time to build up yourself, your career. So is career everything? My answer is no. While career means a lot, it's like money. Money isn't everything but it sure is a necessity. It helps you be the person you can be, and the one you never thought you could be. It helps you stabilize.
Is stability the goal? Yes. Everyone wants a steady life, although it can be dull and monotonous. Or tendency to change might be the stability in itself.
The key is in flourishing. And what they say.. it doesn't mean rising up every time but rising every time you fall. That's what experience is all about. And it sure goes a long way.
So you might wonder when the perfect time is. The answer is never really obvious. What you have to do now is make it look perfect yourself.
And there comes your instinct. Applies all the time.
The hill is high. Your journey is on. Do stop every now and then, and look back. It's important. I repeat, do look back to your acomplishments, or the pitfalls. And take a deep breath and head on. You still have a lot to look forward to.
What you must not forget is to take the load off your shoulder every once in a while. Have fun. That's where lies the ultimate energy to move on.
Needless to say, the show must go on. January 24 Is one ready at 22?I don't know. What do you say? While things don't point at it, the main discussion we have today is 'marriage'. Anxiety there is. Curiosity.
IN midst the countless proposals, girls are bound to think about it. While love is ubiquitous, arranged marriages are still prevalent, still looked for, sitll given preference for.
Marriage is teh sacred bond between two people- one which they vow to keep to and abide by in all times accepting each one's sorrows and pains and celebrating the successes and anticipating the future. Family, kids and old age. While things sound pretty easy, is getting married really that simple? One may say you fall in love and then marry, OR you may marry then fall in love with the person you're married to. After some while you spend together, you're bound to like each other. Nature is supposed to play a part. In all cases, love is a necessity. What then is love? Do you feel you need to love or be loved and that's how you generate? No. Love is abstract, something more special. You might love someone you've never seen, and not love who you've spent a great deal of time with. It's strange how one might define love- defining love in itself is incomplete, obscure, absurd.
At 4, love was when people gave you toys and candies.
At 10, love was wehn parents played games with you. At 16, love happened as you met a perfect stranger's eyes. Now at 22, love seems something deeper, and more meaningful. Doens't count the material/physical thing but the feeling you get when you're with someone, when you think of someone and even when you're not with the person- it gives you a sense of warmth, and closeness. You are growing and helping the other person grow. And even in the loneliest times, there's a feeling of someone nearby you. And while you still feel such strong emotions, the feeling of love is arbitrary, and the real goal is the object. Love in itself is unselfish but when it comes to you, selfishness prevails and you have to have it, own it, be owned. There's a strong want of possession. You can either have what you want, or want what you have, but you have to have it. Else there prevails some emptiness, something uncovered, some undiscovered side you desperately want to venture.
You were not ready then. You are not ready now. As love shapes into commitment and responsibility, things start being complicated. When will you be ready? Is there a perfect age? Is there a right time? How does one know? How does one decide?
If you ask me I'm ready, I'd say I'm ready to start planning. 10 years from now, Id' rather be single than have the life completely wasted and unplanned. Well I say, for a career person like me, it can be pretty difficult and might not go as planned but it's way better than unplanned. Believe me, it's time you started thinking (You won't
regret). You will be glad you did. Sometimes everyone is entitled to dream. And well, it's upto you if you want your dreams to come true.
One might feel it's building castles in the air/ counting chicken before they are hatched, but to me, its' how I live and try shaping up my life- to wherever I want. Talking about marriages and family planning shouldn't be a taboo; it should help you be a better person, a refined person.
So what plans did I make? Marriage after Masters. Who's the lucky guy? I wish I could point you a picture and say "That's him"!
Well enough dreaming. Time to wake up and get ready for work. August 12 Travelogue: Qingdao
11 Aug, 2008 Qingdao, The (Beijing) Olympics 2008 Sailing Competition One day trip to Qingdao. For the Qingdao Olympics Sailing Competition. I hadn't the tickets but I go, anyway. And I was fortunate enough to get the Express train my friends had their seats booked on. And so I'm on a different berth of the train from they, but then I also enjoy my quiet ride, half the way half-sleeping though:)
Days of lone self: Radiology
28 July, 2008
29 July, 2008 Second day. Much the same like yesterday. Scanning thru the books in there. Learning the head anatomy. The sinuses. CT scans analysis. Metastatic and primary tumors. Editing the excerpt of the thesis. Low level obstructive jaundice.
The third day.. using the machine. Watching the anatomy of the heart. Conduction of CTA. It was pretty amazing. Sneaking out in the afternoon. And having fun in California Dreaming. Having lots of stuffs. Screwdriver screws up everything. Said things I wouldn't have normally said. I guess I regret.
Going to the office for the marksheet, plus other docs. But the teacher seems busy. Being called on Sunday. We're helping stuffs. Well but, still feeling the heat I felt yesterday. It now all came down upon me as I swear never to do that again.
01 Aug, 2008
Office. Helped make documents and checked. Got the no objection letter from Beijing. Permission thru Tibet. Kind of nice to have it couriered. So, stamping and stuffs.
03 Aug, 2008 Shopping. Lifted the whole shop.
04 Aug, 2008 I don't go to hosp. I wake up late I think. And the whole day goes just like that. Packing stuffs. And I get the documents from the office to get 'em signed tomorrow.
05 Aug, 2008 Went to the new university to get the documents signed by the VP, and get them stamped. Literally lost in the complex while the administration building was right infront of my eye. I was looking for ban'gong'shi and there was a different hanzi for that.. hehe. That was some silly thing.
06 Aug, 2008 Go to the MRI building. The first time.. They are like.. asking me questions and stuffs. Names and all. I'm glad to meet the Zhu'ren, Vice Zhu'ren. My goodness, I'm like OMG!! There's someone like this person who really does speak good. And cares. And plans for my 3 day at the department. That's something. Firt you get to know the MRI, the next day you learn how to read them, the signals and all, and intrepret. The third day, you know and master the common diseases and stuffs. And there he was.. I was like.. stunned in silence.. and somehow in between uttering "uh huh". I'm like taken away ;) I'm there for the morning, and then the I told the intern I'd be coming in the afternoon, but I don't. That's me for the time being.
07 Aug, 2008 Hosp.. I find a bit odd to be going esp after I dont' come in the afternoon. But they all are warm people. Welcomed me. Helped me with images, esp. Dr. Dong. He was an angel. And Zhang, the intern who conversed with me, and made me feel at ease. The PGs were nice too. Learning the MRI signals. Then we go to the Educational office to get our logbooks stamped. Hopefully I find the Zhu'ren of all the depts. and got them signed. It was a great relief.
08 Aug, 2008 08.08.08 Friday. Early day. 5am. Seeing off my friend. It's Beijing Olympics starting today. Had wanted to be there for the opening ceremony, and by the time I acted on, it was alrady too late: the tickets had already been sold out. And so I sleep again, only to wake up @ 11. Then doing my stuffs. And eve by the pool was refreshing for a hot day like today. 2 missed calls. I hope she reached Nepal alright.
09 Aug, 2008 Saturday. Eve by the pool. Too excited to be tracking the whole length. 5 times:) Learning to dive.
10 Aug, 2008 Sunday. Eve by the pool. Continuous. Relaxes your mind, and soul perhaps? I felt so. Draining my thoughts out. Too much thoughts reverberating.
You do one thing for someone, and that someone does something for u. That's commensalism and thats works. Strangely true. You benefit from each other. Well this is the department that gives me clue to assit exact diagnosis. And I learn history and PE are equally important before you find out the pathology. It has helped me have a better outlook, and I hope it really does help me a lot in my further career as a doctor. There are opportunities you just need to grab them before they slip you by.
August 03 timro saathhemanta ko tyo kathayangrine jado khapne sakti pauna
ani timro dhrid athot, dhairyata ra sahas lai dekhera
yathartata lai angalna malai pani mann thiyo tara mann matra bhayera kehi hudo rahenachha basanta le ta afno hariyali le malai dhakisakechha suryamukhi jastai surya ko kiran lai ma sansar manna pugechhu nasochda nasochdai bhautikta ma ramna pugechhu tyo hiu k nai astitwa bhayo ra
ekchoti parepachi bholi paglera janchha baru kapas ta udera arkai gaun jancha harek thau ko samjhana bokera anekta ko pratimurti bani. byaktitwo ra dayitwo lai swikarna khojda
sabda ra artha bich ko sambandha lai ma bhulna pugechhu astitwo ra pahichan khojne kram ma afu nai bilin bhayeko payechhu timro sath payera ta ma biswasta thiye tara afsoch! kebal ek bhram rahechha ma kinkartabyabimudh bhaye timi ek bastabikta ani ma khali sapana matra paat jharisakyo, kapoko hiu ko sundarta pani k sundarta
bholi gham lagepachi hiu le pani saath chodera janechha gulaf ko ta rup rang matra chha, kaada haru le ta bijhaainairanchhan afno astitwa ko baarambaar yaad dilainairanchhan sochai, satyata ra parkhai ko prethaktale nai ta aja timi ra ma chhau, najik bhaikana pani tadha timile ta malai afno dharaatal ma sajayeka chhau tara k ma sukhi, khushi chhu ra? malai ta timro dharatal ma baas hoina kebal timro saath chahiyeko chha! matra timro saath! ps. theme based on the original poem "mero dharatal"
July 27 Days of lone self: ENT14 July 2008
New dept. And least interesting. Fresh and ready that I am today. For the past week that I bunked. Gave paper @ ENT but cha'fang @ Neuro/Psych. Wonderful Ma laoshi though he just spoke Chinese. Too bored after a week's fun and frolic. As I learn of Qi Laoshi's day off, I hurry home in the aft. Hehe.
Tonight: Out and about. 15 July 2008
Been kinda lazy lately. Sleeping all morn. Getting in touch all aft. Some rekindling memories. Truthful present.
Getting ready to head home? Kinda wanna go home early.
16 July 2008 Enough bunks. I'd told myself that I'd be a regular. But then I've just been sleeping a lot (reminds me of old days!) And by a lot, I mean really really lot. And so waking up early to go to hosp. But sill a bit late. Missed the bus. Again. Took the round. And then CTs and X-rays. Later had some work in the office. Bank. No work done.
17 July 2008- 20 July 2008 Wasted @ home.
21 July 2008
Eve study starts, after 2 weeks. Even the guard notices the long absence. Too familiar at the hosp now.
22 July 2008
CTs. And study. Nothing more.
23 July 2008
Afternoon.
24 July 2008
Gone, but another dept.
25 July 2008
When I come, no one @ ward. Stay @ cardiothoracics. Too embarrassing to get the log book signned. 3 weeks I've just been fooling around. Hopefully it's friday.
26 July 2008 Saturday. Perm hairdo. Feeling wasted. Being lazy. Eat, sleep, internet. What more?
27 July 2008
Out skimming about. Walk. West and East.
What I learnt in 2 weeks? Too dull a mind to learn anything. Can't believe those two weeks went without doing anything but sleep. Running from the face of reality. For how long though? There are things you could try and change, and some things even though you desperately try hard, can't even alter a thing! It is this that you leave into the hands of destiny, if you believe in such thing.
July 20 Similar yet different
It was two parts of hydrogen and one part of oxygen all right; just the morphological structures were what made them look different… They were completely different, yet thought alike or vice versa. They were from two different worlds, yet lived in one. Harmonious. Co-existent. Together. And each was not able to imagine living without the other. They were kind like two sides of a coin, yang and yin, flesh and nails, inevitably bound to be together, in one way or the other. And together they made the world revolve and together it was just perfect. Somewhat. Somewhere. Somehow. John Gray called them Martians and Venusians each with his/her own quality and whatever one lacked, the other fulfilled it. And so they learnt to communicate each other’s way. The differences between them were what made them seek out for each other and learn, understand, fight, give and receive. The strange language they spoke but they fit all right. And so they are here now: Martians and Venusians as Earthlings. They were kind like ice and water. It was two parts of hydrogen and one part of oxygen all right; just the morphological structures were what made them seem different. None was inferior or superior to the other, still they acted not so. None was better or worse, sweeter or bitter, right or wrong, yet they made it seem, feel so. And so they become the most evolved creatures, men and women: contrastingly similar, yet strikingly different. Or so it seems! 03.13.2006 July 19 Threatened inside a boundary
Protected within the safe boundaries Of moral principles, and ethical values Restrained, unreachable, quarantined This edge of a cliff you say I’m in, threatened
What a strange thing everything has turned into The words I hung on to, the feelings I looked up to Have betrayed me; they are gone, long gone Into the narrow crevasse of darkness
The surer I become, the more it is clear And the truer your words mean it’s tantalizing You ring the alarm, and yet I am not prepared Dumbstruck, aghast, nervous that I am
It is a black hole; where nobody gets out I dare not go in; for the fear of losing myself Yet again, no, it’s terrorizing, it’s agonizing Help me out; I can not face this alone
Let alone this way, pull me out, somebody This wretched old thought is killing me Heal me please, I’m in insufferable pain Take me away to a better place, a place of remedy
Where no hopes die, no treatments fail You rise and fall, fall and rise, yet you do not complain High tide or low, the surfing is all adventure and fun Where I rest in peace, no matter whatever things befall.
July 15 Ophthalmology: Days of lone self30 June 2008
Getting up late. Missing the bus. Getting to ward late. Finding no one. Being by myself. Writing this all. And thinking. Ophthalmo is a boring place to be. BORED. Nthn to do in teh aft. SLEEPY. Whole week goes by sleeping only 5 hrs a day for quite a sleeper like me. Well do I exist? I need to ask that question. Not a word I've spoken since I got here. Feels liek I came here just to update my blog and read other's.
01 July 2008
Morning goes on round that I hardly attend even though Zhuren takes it bcoz' its all in Chinese. hehe. And so go to sleep. I'm so intoxicated. Surgery @ daytime. Cataract, glaucoma, lacrimal duct breakage.
02 July 2008
Surgery in the morning. Feels nice to be at least talking with sb (teacher) and be talked to. Glaucoma, lacrimal gland (orbital) tumor. and then break goes on talks! Funny conversation. Aft. study.
03 July 2008
Yan'ke. But attending other surgeries. Don't know why they interest me so much. While I'm doing rounds between the ORs, I find a teacher who explains me things. Cardiothoracics. A gastric adenoma, lung cancer infiltration to pulmonary artery. For the first time, I see doctors worried in the OT, and working as fast as they could. Makes me wonder given the situation, how would I be like? Nervous? I think so. For one sec, there was no heart beat at all. After and eve goes just like that. Ortho is a mess. An eve drench in the fountain spring seems to relieve the heat of the day.
04 July 2008
Eye surgeries are all the same. Either cataract or glaucoma, and If not I can't just observe. Taking rounds in the OT is a good idea. I find brain trauma, lung cancer, vertebral compression fracture, uterine myoma, probable carpal tunnel syndrome. While Ophthalmo seems promising, think I'm not much interested. It is General Surgery that I'm still into. And I tell u it's not bcoz' of the Zhuren ;)
05 July 2008
Saturday. Leaving for home early. Very very hot weather. Breaded hair. Shopping. Walk. Very tiring.
06 July 2008
Sunday is what I'm desperately waiting for. It's not like those Sundays that used to be. It's much more meaningful and fun and excitement and suprise, as it unfolds itself. 5 hours by the poolside. Tired by the end of the day. Finishing all the chores and leftovers.
<Sunday come, Sunday gone>
07 July 2008
Woke up to wash my face and to sleep all morning. Then again waking up to go to hospital. Missed in the morn. Doesn't feel like going. Doesn't feel like staying @ home either. What's happening? Boredom is killing me @ ward. Nobody speaks. Wasted questions.
08 July 2008
Don't want tot come to hosp. in the morning. Just 3 days, and habit is deformed. But I get up, anyway. @ ward, feel like sleeping so I go to OPD where nobody answers and eeryone is much busier, then I head to Dermatology, where I decide to spend the rest of my week. Unless the head accepts me there. Glad to be getting out of the pithole. Even bored to write I'm bored.
09 July 2008
So taking a break from Ophthalmo. Already signed the logbook. Wanted to go to Dermatology but not accepted. So got out. Now what's what a good student does! And then eve study also doesn't really work out these days.
10 July 2008
Break from hospital... the whole day. Even the eve study. Going out. Finding places. A bit of fun times by the pool. Seems to refreshen but exhausting by the end of the day.
11 July 2008
POOL. No hosp. And so it's just this week. Gonna be a regular from the coming one.
12 July 2008
Saturday. Taking a holiday today. Going out. POOL. And much more. Till late. Learning to float.
13 July 2008
Sleeping all day. Only waking up to have lunch. And dinner. How lazy could I be? Later catching up. PERFECT CIRCLE.
What I learnt in two weeks?
In midst a handful eyes, I learnt to steal glances, and bunk. there are always things u can do, and not complain that life is boring. There are so many things yet to learn. June 30 Days of lone self: Pediatrics16 June 2008
Posting @ Pediatrics. There's a long round. And I'm too fortunate to have found Sun laoshi who tells me experience counts and then nicely explains to me. And I'm lucky the very first dya. A little insight I'd gotten from Rjv da. And that's helpful. The auscultation- rales and all. How do you differentiate? The children were awfully quiet. After the round, I get out as we'd some other work at the office and thenafter the tickets.. and then break all aft.
17 June 2008
Library clearance. Two months left till I get home. Excited. Very. The long awaited day that will be. Slept all aft thence sleeping for the whole week. Waking up only to go to hosp. in the eve.
18 June 2008
Funny thigns happen before the meeting esp. the ladies.. watching them do kiddish little things. Laughing. Long morning meeting is so not appreciable. Then following the seemingly French guy whose I can hardly folow the words of. Exceptionally shrill voices of children coming from everywhere. Think I'd go mad if I were to stay here forever. Not feel like studying. 3 days gap and I'm already being lazy.
19 June 2008
OPD all day. The longest OPD I'd ever stayed. Occasional questions and statements. Couldn't just get out and that took a lot of time to ask for teacher's permission to get out. Those children crying here and there and I was wondering how the teacher handles all that. With that faint smile on his face, and his patient look. I'd have gone crazy.
20 June 2008
You're late and u stand outside the door for like ages till u meet the teacher who tell us to go inside the meeting room, and just as u do, the meeting is over. They might have guessed I was 'very' late. So no cha'fang today. Sitting there wasted but trying to at least read sth.. And then children of the whole world gather together and start crying on top of their lugs. Different qualities, and pitches. I could never be a pediatrician, it so makes me feel. For the little perseverance and patience I got. Plus quick temper.
Some people are blessings from God. That's what I call her. An angel in the times of distress and pessimism. Translated my whole bingli in 15 mins. The so-called French guy gives me a chocolate icecream. How I'd wished it were some cold fruit. These angels made my day, which I'd spent sitting on the last chair for the whole week.
21 June 2008
Saturday. 8.30 am. Literally no place to study. Finally got in Ophthalmo Ward. Studying ENT all day. Later in teh eve, gone to fountain park. Feelign good as I lay on the green grass and watched the stars twinkle. Kick and dance.
22 June 2008
Sunday. Should be a boring day staying @ home all day long with nothing much to do. But then there's a surprise. Guess what? ;) Well, I'm loving it. The farther yet closer it is, the more I'm inot it. That's the thing about it. It's a long day. BORED. Miss the hosp. though it's just a day. Third HOME as we call it.
23 June 2008
8'o clock. OMG. Woke up hurriedly just to realize it was 7. Still I was going to be late. And I didn't want that on a Monday! Reached as teh meeting was just abt to begin. And the morning round was great. Then after, daydreaming! Hehe. I mustn't be up late. Having much guffs lately. Sleepy during the day. Too embarrassing it is. And so making plans all day long, as I reach home @ night, the same schedule, the same thing. Again. Night owl. The grass is greener on the other side.
24 June 2008
Cha'fang by Zhuren. 2 hours. Liking a child in a striped tee. Doesn't cry during physicals, and talks. Some kids they are just too afraid of docs in white coats. Getting attention by being called "wai'guo ayi" And then starts "exclamations!" Writing and studying in midst of cries that they cry on top of their voices, and all their might. How do I distract myself? When one cries, all cry. The whole world seems to have no outlet. Sometimes being indifferent is hard.
But so I'm in love with that little kid. As he holds my finger and walks about in the corridor. Sweet creature. 15 months-old. I wonder if he'll ever remember me!
25 June 2008
Clever kid with febrile seizure. Well somewhere it does feel nice to be answering questions and when you can't well u just wish u'd studied better. What was it? U think and think and try to remember the contents, even the page, the para, whatever reminds u of it. And still it is stuck somewhere. The input is not enough. The input is never enough. You keep on studying, you keep on forgetting. That's what being a doc is all abt- study. Observe. Study. And experience. Strudy. Experiment. Study. Take risks. And chances. Study and study. There's an endless studying. And countless experience. Millions of thigns u must know and learn, and yet there are exceptions u must regard. Dealing with lives ain't easy- requires courage, patience, great deal of knowledge, ability and gracefulness. There's an aura of confidence and warmth around a good doc. Just as I see/find in Sun laoshi. One of a kind. Any medical professional can pescribe medications, and cure the disease, but it is only a good doc that treats an individual patient, and not just his disease. Bedside manners is equally necessary.
In the aft, gone to a Surgery with a friend. Oh how I miss General Surgery dept! Mastectomy it was. Left. The whole thing seems such.. i don't know.. frightening? Nightmare for a person. How will the woman feel after she sees herself as she wakes up?
26 June 2008
Ward of angels. I had to come late, and head to OPD, find Zhu'ren instead of Sun laoshi, and come back to ward to find out this. Experienced teachers have a different touch. Each with their own ways. It's strange how the children cry when they see docs, and when one cries, so does the other. Come on, it's just a stethoscope!
Thoughts of going home predominate. It's the journey over destinations that's more appealing.
Those sweet talks, those little hands, waving byes, cute little stpes they walk, innocent faces, and well when they scream, they all vanish somewhere. What sort of feeling is this?
P.S. Dear diary, I had the most embarrassing day today.
27 June 2008
Transverse palmar crease. The whole length of the hand. Just like mine. It's strange there's only few such hands re. Booking the air tickets for August. In aft, I watch an appendectomy in Surgery which I go with a friend. Strangely, no objections from the ayi.. might be because there are no Chinese interns these days. Later @ eve, some revisions but nobody is interested. I've been losing energy and being less motivated. Someone should give me a boost.
A walk thru the park. Refreshening. Home early. Picking up names. "Sparsh"... now that's nice, isn't it?
28 June 2008
Complete Pulmonary physical exam. On a URI patient. Going home early after the first break. Coz' today we got the eve going. California Dreaming. Blast.
29 June 2008
Missed so-called one-thousand calls. Damn! How could I miss 'em? Well the discussion could've heated up had my card hadn't got out of balance. I'd have loved to go further. Cargo. Shopping. Fun. Walk. And when I come home, the room's a deadly mess. Too tired to clean.
What I learnt in two weeks?
Patience is a great virtue. Personally and professionally. You can say all u want but things themselves surfacve effortlessly. However hard u try, u can't escape from the fact that someday you deal with it. Later if not sooner. And I learnt that some kids are too irresistible (except of course when they throw temper tantrums and cry!).
Every once in a while, you're entitled to enjoy. And have heated up discussions. Against and for. That's what makes a relationship alive. What u need to do is not cross the line. You cross it, and there u are hurt.
Well people can change. And so can I.
June 29 RUNLife never stops it always goes on
I keep searching
But can't find myself Running thru empty halls Trying to find my way @ JEANSWEST (loved the TEE) June 27 Don't close the door upon me yetDon't close the door upon me yet
I'm not over you
This love has not yet subsided
The flame is still in its flares
The light is still bright
Woods aren't even half burnt.
Losing myself in the warmth
Drowning in the pool of happiness
Touched by the rays of gentlenss/sweetness
Love is in the air and so am I
Please don't close the door upon me yet I'm so into you.
The feeling it gives I'm intoxicated
Being enchanted by its charms
How I so forgot to realize
The existence of darkness underneath it all
Reminiscing the good times spent
And evevery squabble that got us together
Oh! How things get different
Just in a wink of time
Taking a different course now it's easy
Only running away doesn't hold any meaning
Far yet close this heart holds you dear
Kindly unspoken but it is there
Hey don't u dare close the door upon me yet
Just know I'm still loving you.
June 24 The grass is greener on the other sideSometimes u gotta do what u gotta do
Let time fill in the empty gaps
Find ways to be happy
And move on when everything stands still
All things aren't worth dying for
Let alone try.
They say there is more in store for u
If u really see the big picture ahead
You can't be lonely in the familiar crowd
Whoever they are see but thru your soul
Superfluous words you exchange
The shying away glances u steal
The meanings u try to understand
Messed up in that little head of urs
Suddenly awakens u in the middle of the night
Terror, the fear of being left alone.
People know you are happy
Just because u tell them so
Underneath it all, u know happiness is overrated
You are but running away from the face of reality.
The threads are missing
What am I trying to mend?
The bridge now that is broken
The grass is greener on the other side
June 15 Days of lone self: Obstetrics
02 June 2008 New department. Found Huo laoshi and handed in the paper, which she gives to ZhangXue laoshi-- who tells me stuffs, whereabouts and happenings. So I get to watch a normal delivery, baby bath, USGs and a CS. What a blessed day! Never really liked babies. Sort of hate their cries, but there I was tapping a helpless crying creature who is so dependent, and needs love and care.
Morning meeting. Round. Baby bath. 3 newborns.
04 June 2008 New patients. Writing bingli. Miss the morning baby bath. @ USG, see the fetal heart beating. Was kind of cool. Examining the fundus of post-delivery patients. Now I get it! While eagerly waiting to see/watch normal delivery being attended, I miss not just one but two during the lunch break. later, see the episiotomy cut being sutured. Watching the lady watch her just-born child with such a serene face, a faint smile, while she still is in pain. How must that feeling be? Despite all labor pains and 9-month of having the baby insdie her uterus/womb, and now creating a new life that takes after herself. Is that a miracle? Forgetting the pains just by watching the the baby sleepinig soundly tucked inside the covers. Occasionally crying making the mother feel/know of its identity. And that it needs her undivided attention. The mother's life changes the moment she knows it's inside her. A part of her growing inside of her. Is there ever an emotion of fear? Of perplexion? Of doubt? Motherhood. A big responsibility.
05 June 2008 USG. CS. Breech presentation. Bingli translation.
06 June 2008 Watch two abortions. The intensity of the pain that she expressed crying during the procedure made me wonder. If its' worth it.. It's a life that is being killed before it is born. It's better to kill the thought that letting it kill u. It's good that people can abort unwanted pregnancies. Nothing can be worse than having a baby unplanned at the wrong time.
Saturday. ECG all day. Normal and conduction defects. Later, a walk thru the park seems to refreshen. And BBQ.
Sunday is a fun day. We go to the new university complex. My goodness it was so big. And nice. Only the weather was humidly hot. It was a nice outing for a change. Apart from studies that we've been concentrating for the past month. Sichuan cai (cuisine) is mouth-watering.
I am late and therefore today I head for OPD. Too boring. Working as a delivery girl, speaking the very little chinese i could say about it, and heading in the direction I didn't know about. Well but that was another experience I call.
Late again. 8.30 am I reach. Little sleep i had last night. But it was a wonderful talk with friends with having to get in touch. Every once in a blue moon, I am entitled to having a little "extra" stuff going on and relaxing a bit. Indulging in past memories. Making plans for the future.
11 June 2008 Continuously late. 3 days in a row. While i've nto been getting much sleep, I overslept today. But not too late to attend the morning rouds and that I'm quite fortunate to do as I missed two this week!
So I'm told that I'm a good student and that i can write the case reports in hospital. Does it feel nice to be somewhat famous? While I feel slight at unease and modesty overwhelms, somewhere, it does feel good, yes. Plus I take it as an encouragement/motivation.
ECG. And today I am not reciting, and explaining. Others take in the job. It's harder to be a student than a teacher I think. Gradual desensitization. Or flooding? I think the former works better.
Half the Sunday goes by sleeping, another half by the chores that's been piling up for ages. Not to mention replying mails, doing laundry, cleaning, listening to music, arranging stuffs, catching up, and writing this blog.
What I learnt in two weeks? You gotta plan ahead time. So that later you do not regret or repent. You need to choose your steps carefully especially when it involves the life of the individual you're creating. And there are things you learn with time. Slowly. I guess that's what an experience is all about. When the right time comes, you know how to handle, I surmise. So till then, never to fear:) While you might not like all things you should, you have to be flexible and work on it. Every single thing counts, sooner or later. June 01 Days of lone self: Gynecology19 May '08
The first day always presents with some kind of uncomfort, uneasiness, oddity. The new place with nobody you know. I was looking for Liu or Chen laoshi but found no one. Watching Microwave therapies, hysterescopy, D&C.
5-7.30 pm we have cataract today! 20 May '08 Pelvic bimanual exam. The first time. How did it feel? Warm, of course! If only I had really understood what to find in there! I thought I did, but what was it? Confused. Chen laoshi. She's an angel. Ovarian Carcinoma metastasized to the greater omentum thus omentectomy. Later, in the afternoon, surgery of teratoma. Lipid and hairs. Two laparascopic surgeries. I was actually running between two ORs.
5-8 PM we have EP today. 21 May '08 The first department where the teacher tells me about the patients and their history. And I don't even have to ask! So I get told that there's surgery! Too good a ward this is. Not to mention, everyone speaks English or so I've been told. My expectations had been high and I'm not disappointed. There's transvaginal hysterectomy due to uterine adenomyoma and then later I get to suture in the OR itself with the cut-off specimen!! That's something now! Opportunity knocking on the door. Later Chen ma'am had a laparascopic total hysterectomy + bilateral adnexectomy and she explains to me all the structures, ligaments and all. Who could've thought that? Plus gives me the specimen to take in to the ward and practice suturing. And so with my friend, together we do some cuttings and sutures. Done two PV exams but too bad, couldn't guess. 5-8 pm- ARF. Plans. Vision. Mission. Goals. 22 May '08
All day at OR. And that I mean, literally. No lunch. With just a little breakfast I had in the morning, gets me till 5 pm. Unilateral adnexectomy due to hydrosalpinx. Uteral myoma. Ovarian mass. R&L. Sheer exhaustion. And pain finally takes me out of there.
ARF is in line thereafter. 23 May '08
No surgeries today. Nothing at all but study and bingli copying in Chinese.
BPH and PE we have it for today's combined study. 24 May '08 Slept the whole morning. Think I got relief from the exhaustion: from the little sleep that I'd been getting the whole week. Some realizations.. only I wish they were longlasting! It's great catching up with what you're missing. "Pretty girls usually don't do good. It's not that they haven't got what it takes. They just don't do what they are supposed to do." Nice saying in there! Proably true?
Later, combined study with friends take me away to a whole new world where my mind doesn't really wander to a far away land. CHF and Pneumonia are the topics to be discussed. 25 May '08
From morning 7-7.30 evening with just a lunch hour break, we study. That was something! There we created a history in studying. Not even during our exams did we study like that. Right now we seem to be heading somewhere. Well, at least I think so. They say it's never too late to be what you might have been. Can I still be the one I want to be? HOw long do I have to wait? How much more? Much anticipation there is.
You need to have some relaxing time, too. 26 May '08
28F. Endometrial Carcinoma. Cauliflower lesion. Typical symptoms. Such a young patient. And Liu laoshi asks me questions for which I give answers that don't match the questions. One part, I hadnt' really studied Gynecology the whole week! So far, the last lecture had got me going. I thought I liked Gyne but then I feel I'm not really into it. Or might be, I'm just too busy thinking of the topics to be discussed. Or might be I was too lazy to turn the pages, and look. What a shame. And none of the answers do I give as Liu ma'am asks while in the room before going to the OR. It was kinda awkward. Even thinking about it makes me wanna silently laugh. Well, glad to have seen the one and only vertical laparatomy surgery that had been left besides horizontal incision, laparascopy and transvaginal hysterectomy.
While I might have an option of Gyne/Obs, I am not much into this. Without reason. 27 May '08 Should have woken up earlier but then i guess i wanted to be woken up by the call i thought I'd never receive ever again. Some things happen in the least expected moment. Well but I got my last day of exams in China itself. The finals. At least 8 subjects, and how I was so not prepared, except for some we'd studied before, and not even an inch of fear or worry or nervousness I had. Air of confidence there was, although I wasn't really sure where that came from! The first paper went good but it couldn't last long. The next one proved that I wasn't ready; ill-prepared I was. There was still so much to do and study.
A night out eating momos. That's how I drained my brains out! Well, the light is officially red. Or that's what I've seen, and been just told. 28 May '08 After getting a free ride from SunXiuMei laoshi from Oncology, I get to the hospital on time. With everyday waiting and getting to the bus, the electric bike she rode was a nice ride for a change. Guffing all the way:)
Who do I follow in rounds? With a bunch of people I hardly speak to, I go anyway. It's better than sitting seemingly studying while my mind would go out wandering somewhere real far. "You directly confront something that has been hidden, forgotten or ignored for a long time. Unresolved issues in personal relationships are stirred up and the underlying causes of a painful or problematic aspect of a relationship may be brought to life." Conization. Microwave therapy. I choose to stay in teh ward while Chen laoshi gives me option to visit the surgery. And so I translate the bingli with the help of an intern, LaiShouCui. Appreciation there are. Feels good:) as well as slight uneasiness. Later, physical examination. Diagnosis. Taking a break from the topics! 29 May '08 Translating bingli all morning, and writing a case report on ZhangYuanYuan, the teratoma patient. Reading all afternoon. Dx and PE. Things have been too slow lately.
30 May '08 Chen laoshi's lecture on Irregular Vaginal Bleeding. While everyone else admires and loves her, I can't help myself, either. As she explains to me each and everything, and at the same time, asks me questions. I would myself like to be like her someday. Polite, empathetic, smart, confident, caring. Teacher and doctor. In the afternoon, there's a laparascopic hysterectomy.
Later, ECG in the evening. 31 May '08 Free day but study at hospital from morning till eve. Anatomy of pelvis, and Physiology of Menstrual Cycle as this week is Gyne/Obs's. Takes the whole day. And as I explain, I get the concept. THe mechanism. I think it's actually cool. I hope whatever we're doing is worth the time, and study.
So in the eve, we celebrate the weekend with some BBQs. Calling the day off early. Evening walk was cool for a hot summer day. Cool light breeze. And loads of fun.
1 June, '08 Everybody takes a day off while there's a different experience in store for me. I get asked to be with the kids of the fourth and fifth grade. And teach them whatever I learnt during mine. Teach them that English is an interesting language and not at all difficult. Well it is interesting. Useful as Miss Wang says. Words bring pleasure to me. I don't know why but they do. The etymology I love, and the word formation and the spellings and all. Chinese language is interesting, too. My only regret would be not getting to learn more Chinese words. Anyway, so there were kids, perhaps 50 of them. And look at them, all eager, and active, some shy, some smart, some naughty, funny, pretty, sweet.. whatever adjectives I could think of. And still I lack. While kids haven't really been my area of expertise (well nothing is) I do have a good time with them. Telling them stories about hare and tortoise, and the fox.. playing quizzes (my team won, the boys)... I was actually reminiscing my childhood life. And here I am, a decade later, even shorter than they (hehe, kids these days are really tall!!) trying to figure out where I should take my life, and how! And then I sing, dance.. I feel like a kid again, playing runs, and jumping and hopping.. Well, finally time to go.. I'm soaked in the heat of the sun but its' nothing compared to the feeling I got. Such serene, such lively. Then I remember how I was suggested that I should teach kids English. A faint smile.. someday!
Er tong jie kuai le; Happy Children's Day! I loved the enthusiasm of the kids. They were such patient and receptive while they listened to the stories. And there I have my favorite: LiZiMing, a naughty kid amongst them who I loved playing and talking with. I actually couldn't outrun him in the game, and thus, had to sing. Take me to your heart was what lips were singing! And finally, it wasn't just I, the whole crowd did, and it does feel good. Being warmly welcomed in the new crowd. Little crowd. Sweet crowd. What I learnt in two weeks?
People judge not only with what you do for them, but also how you do them. That counts. In the male dominated surgery wards, I seek for my identity. While I'm not certain about it, I'd still love to try. Or Gyne could be one of my options. Well, it's about making a difference. And my goal is to make one. It is a long run, and I hope to be successful. These two weeks, I learnt that it's good to be hopeful sometimes. Who knows something sometimes might turn to you! The least expected things can happen in the least expected moment. It's just time. Time might not heal, but it gives you reasons to move on. Be a better person. Learn from your mistakes. Experience makes you a refined person. May 28 *Love is a madness*(Found this somewhere trashed)
I am not thinking about you
You're far gone Away from my sight And heart A little always goes a long way Although time doesn't heal The bruise I've got Just not the pain Not anymore Too much is bad they say But it numbed me One step ahead I am of you Because I've transcended my fears my desires, Just not my thoughts Those I can't control Howsoever I wish to I was wrong all the time I just couldn't see myself in your place How hard it was for you And I was naive Now I realize When it's bit too late I've missed the bus. I lost my destination What do I do with the pass? Do I still get a chance? May 18 Days of lone self: Cardiothoracics and Urology (Surgery)
1st day at Cardiothoracics. I go there and got surprised myself not to have known even a single doctor in that whole bunch while attending the morning meeting. I stay there confused about who to actually follow. Nevertheless I try to stay positive and tyr to fit in there. And to my surprise, I find the one and I cling onto him. With my little Hanyu on board, I could actually "communicate" and "learn" in my own "weird" way. And I just realize that in my 6th posting! Whatever I wwas doing during my other fives! So I read the book the whole morning away. It actually felt good. But in the aft, you just need a trigger, and there you are- sneaking out as nobody shows up.
May 06, 2008 So it's relieving to find my Zhang laoshi, who I hand in the paper, and who tells me the whereabouts and the guidelines-- writing the history in my whole two-and-half months' practice. And I get to do the dressing, too- thanks to Wang laoshi. When I make a simple but profound mistake, he says "you have to do the procedure to master it- watching is always easy, makes you think u can do it but action is what proves it". And htere he is right about each and every word he says. The motto is to prevent from infection in all possible ways. The only thing I could really say in there is you gotta have to be given a chance. You learn from your mistakes. When you're pointed out this time, you won't dare miss it the next time.
May 07, 2008 Watching Zhang laoshi perform thoracocentesis. And talking with Wang laoshi over English words. Esophageal carcinoma, thymoma, lung mass. And Sir explains to me the incision and surgical procedure.
May 08, 2008 Atrial Septal Defect. Mitral Stenosis. Patients. Showered with surgeries. Esophageal carcinoma, lung mass (benign), BPH (TURP), transabdominal hysterectomy (Pfannenstiel incision). While I'm trying to escape Jianxide, I actually learn a lot of CTs and KUBs and IVPs in Urology. Bladder carcinoma, hydornephrosis, ureteral calculi. Feri bhetaula!!
May 09, 2008 Nthn but study. Paying visit @ Dermato. Esophageal carcinoma. History taking. In the aft, since Jianxi occupies the room, at Cardiology upstairs, I'm studying some ECG.
24 M. Dilated Cardiomyopathy. His heart bulged over the pericardium. Enlarged heart bigger than I'd ever seen! Apex beat could be seen, too. Need to heart transplant. IT's just plain expensive. Such young he is. That's just not fair. Tragic.
May 11, 2008 Sleeping like a log. Coudln't be more relaxed on a Sunday. Raining all day.
May 12, 2008 Talk with Yuandong laoshi. Talking about research papers and stuffs. All morning. Also taught me. Thinks Ophth. would be a nice line for me. Or Gynecology since I said I'd like to be a surgeon. He tells me his experiences. That was nice to learn. In the aft, learn/study ECG. In eve, learning Nepal's way of practice. Needs a different approach. Wide and new.
May 13, 2008 OPEN HEART SURGERY. Quite fortunate to get to watch it being performed. And penile carcinoma. I was doing back and forth: two ORs. And esophageal carcinoma. It was a long day. Wait for an House epi. to open up. And the site doesn't work. Hell with it. With each soap's/drama's finale ahead, I'm actually quite sad about it. Will miss 'em.
May 14, 2008 Lithoclast- ureteral stone. The aft kinda goes wasted. Return of the King for motivation.
May 15, 2008 Discussion. All morning. It's more like an anti-sleep workout for me since I've been barelly sleeping 5 hours. Plus it's like revising. After listening to "what's" and being asked "why's and how's", I can't help it. It should be worth it. Jianxi in the aft. Urology. Feels good to be patted on the back. ECG on the roll.
May 16, 2008 As I coudlnt' get to the the OPEN HEART SURGERY because that chhuchi ayi doesn't let me in yet again, with a sunk spirit, I run into a friend's instead of mine. And study. While I'd have been drooping with tiredness, thanks to the eager friends who make it possible for me to hang in there- all acute and oriented for a little while longer. As you probably know, a little always goes a long way! Which in this case, is good:)
May 17, 2008 Taking a history of a patient. Percussion. Auscultation- bronchial sounds. It was nice. Then finding out the probs at ECG- ventricular extrasystole. Learning the mechanism.
May 18, 2008 The two weeks have been wonderful. While I'm not fretting about not getting into surgeries, I actually don't attend some due to the repetition, and then have a combined study. It's good to have few non-absentee enthusiasts with an eagerness to learning. I'm actually working hard myself, and one of the reasons is that I can't affort to 'not know' while explaining. Cutting off sleep hours bears me an advantage so I take the whole Sunday off- sleeping for the whole week- the last and the coming one. I've got a challenge ahead of me. I'd better take it.
You yourself create an opportunity and the success or failure depends solely upon you- you just have to/ need to make the most out of the moment. Only you can. You learn to know the words thru letters, sentences thru words, paras thru sentences. A book thru paras. It's a long, difficult way ahead. You go to be prepared.
May 03 The history with no nameOne more year goes by...
A year older as it gets
Older as we grow
Torn are those edges
Folded are those pages
Closed is the book
Erased is the title
Still it exists somewhere
The history with no name
May 02 Days of lone self: Orthopedics
April 21, 2008 My first day at Orthopedics. The first day is always a bad experience. You just tend not to be present although you are. Just not noticeable. However, I do get to watch a lot of dressings, external fixations. Broken/fractured tendon of a middle DIPJ. A Paralytic patient. A fractured leg. And it becomes too much and I sneak out. Can you believe it? The first day!
Cervical disc 5/6 herniation. Surgery. Bone grafts and all. Internal fixation. Ambulatory xray machine. In the afternoon surgery, the chhuchi ayi doesn't again let me in-- too many people... "ni gai tian lai". It's the fourth time and I literally can't stand it but there I can do nothing at all and with a mad, puckered face, I head back home. And it fades away... all the anger wtihout being split on someone's face.
April 23, 2008 I'm so panicking (?) in the morn. I just don't seem to sit still without getting to have attended a surgery. I don't know what to do the whole time. I've so much gone distrait/disarrayed since last month. I don't even understand what the physical exam's all about. I can't get myself to talk and soliloquy kills sometimes. It's a disaster. Ligamentum flavum compresses the spinal cord (T11/12).
April 24, 2008 When I couldn't get to the surgery, I sneak out. Have fun time amongst the open crowd. Howsoever chhuchi that ayi could be. CSM, trauma (fractures), hernia (50%).
April 25, 2008 Being familiar with the people there. It felt nice to be spoken and communicated. And it had to be a Friday- the weekend. And I finally get introduced to my patients in the round. It was so very nice to have the teacher all to myself and not to any Chinese interns :) Selfish but true. The second and third metatarsal bones breakage, and fixation. Dressing. Getting to the surgery during the afternoon marks off my victory eventually. It's a C5/6 spinal cord compression. And painful arc syndrome. It's a long day, and fortunately blessed.
April 26-27, 2008 Quiet time at hostel. Two days for myself and chores. And lots of sleep till long hours.
April 28, 2008 I'm all about theory today. The ayi wouldn't have let me in, anyway. And then guffs with teachers. And being friends with a PG: Zangyefeng. He seems to be very nice. Compliments:) While I've been cutting out classes, I stay till 5 pm.
April 29, 2008 Whatever's worse than getting up late and being called by the PG for a change helping me learn some knowledge from the Orthopedics Experts Clinic. And you run and run and you just miss the bus when you get 'this' close to getting in, wave you hand, and the bus leaves you anyway? And the PG starts thinking you won't come and you don't want to lose the offer/opportunity you've just got. Well that happens and you get a cab and stop in front of the bing fang lou... wait for the damn elevator... spend hours in there till you finally get to the 11th floor because the accelerator is 'odd' and you feel you can run a floor up faster than the elevator hits 13 and run one floor down. Hurriedly wear my only white coat and stop for an elevator and the cleaners have loads of dirty sheets to work on for the same time, and they start loading. Finally I reach. I've got an excuse that I got myself searching for the dept. How very lame! He couldn't possibly have bought it. The Li Zhuren is nice enough to tell him to teach me stuffs. There I have a heavenly time till 12:00. Then it's lunch time. Qing ke. And at 1 pm, I'm ready to go to OR. 12 screws. A great day for an unnatural beginning.
April 30, 2008 The PG is thoughtful to send message. The last couple of days had been great. I'd been learning and also had someone to talk to, someone who taught, and I could actually learn from. I will miss it.
May 1-2, 2008 My supposedly non-official holidays I spend at hostel, fretting and fussing over little things. The temperature starts soaring, and I don't get out though I want. There's this novel I'm starting to think about writing. A few sentences, or a couple of paras... I don't know... and I'm seriously out of words! Great thought, btw. Unfortunately, it's just thoughts. And by just thoughts, I mean no action. I like building castles in the air!
May 3-4, 2008 Nothing's more looked forward to than weekend holiday. But not this time. Two long days at home is sickening, paralyzing, bed-riddling, and honestly, fattening!
What I learnt in 2 weeks? Never choose a subject you are not interested in: Zangyefeng. Or you don't know about. It is important.
April 20 Days of lone self: General SurgeryMarch 31, 2008 Fuwaike: It's Surgery department, finally. A month and a half long Internal Medicine is eventually over. I should be getting to watch surgeries being performed. For that matter, I got there early. 7 am. Motivated and energized. Just how nobody cared really took me down to the far side of the road. It all seemed hopeless. And then jianxi comes. For the first time, I really enjoyed their presence and followed the teacher. It was nice. Surgery followed when I wasn't expecting. Acute peptic ulcer perforation. And getting home late didn't seem to matter for as long as I could watch and learn.
April 01, 2008 Cut off from surgery. Couldn't be too excited. But then I learnt more useful things, too. Like dressing, stitches :) 5 got admitted. There should be something in store for me :)
April 02, 2008 All study and no surgery makes Jill a dull girl. When you're in Surgery ward, at least you're looking forward to some cool ones. And you're like driven crazy to appear in one. Just get inside the OR. Somehow. Just then a bulb lights and there I am... attending a PG. He lets me in-- I follow him… no matter what it is.
April 03, 2008
Inguinal Herina. Learnt the procedure of suturing.
April 04, 2008
Since many surgeries are done for the week, I'm hopeless. But I see this day has something different in store for me. A day with children- so many kids excited and shying away at the same time. I felt like a child per se, playing and running the circles. Ring around the rosies... I saw/find myself in them. Revelation?
A day without hospital seems to refreshen me as well. April 05, 2008
Saturday. Leave.
April 06-13, 2008
Evaluation from Beijing. BREAK. From studies. Celebrated NY eve 2065.
April 14, 2008
I'd been fretting about no surgeries at all. And I'm showered with four surgeries all in one day. Viscus perforation (sb. missed me!), hepatic ductal stone, axillary breast, axillary lymph node tumor (no metastasis). Bare sleep the night before and having stood up all day long seems to tire my feet. What to say? It's been a blessed day!
April 15, 2008
Thyroid adenocystoma. I was actually stalking my teacher. Funny thing. Why are there no female doctors in Surgery department? This question overwhelms me. Sometimes I am faking understanding Chinese I think. I actually edit an abstract for SunXiuMei laoshi at Onco. Indebt to Ma laoshi. I get by with patients.
April 16, 2008
Lymphocele. Between stomach and spleen besides tail of the pancreas. Morning goes with studying mostly, and checking around.
April 17, 2008
4th Batch jianxi. I can't go to surgery because the evil ayi doesnt' give scrubsuits. Later I watch my lymphoma patient in surgery. Axillary LN metastasis (lung cancer), massive teratoma (that was big!), and finally a C-section. It was a boy!
April 18, 2008
No surgeries in the morn because no sufficient yifu. Miss bile duct carcinoma. Hopefully aft-surgery I could go in. Leaving the thyroidectomy, I got to watch a rare surgery being performed in a 22-yr-old F: agenesis of vagina. A part of colon (sigmoid) is cut and then sutured. Interesting. She had a rudimentary uterus, and only one kidney. I can't help but wonder the advancement of medical service. How easier and better lives can be made thru intervention. And that makes difference to that one person, if not all, amongst the 6 billion, who truly appreciates the procedure enough as a miracle.
April 19, 2008
Supposed to teach jianxide but got a perfect excuse for that!
April 20, 2008
Kite festival. Weifang is a world kite capital. You could see many different varieties of kites: dragons, eagles, butterflies... well what not! Fuyuanshan should've been a nice place to visit if it weren't for the constant rain and heavy wind. The plan gets canceled but you never know what's in store for u. And you might actually enjoy what you never planned. Takes u by surprise and lets you have one hell of a time.
Enjoying window shopping my roommate. For those whoe haven't tried, shopping can be fun :) unless it gets out of hand and u have to cut down your budget! What I learnt in 2 weeks?
I've always loved Anatomy: exploring the "what lies beneath" and these two weeks give me a relative outlook and perspective. It's a busy life, and you never know what you might get round to and the chance is very probable you might end up in OR the unexpected minute. Be prepared for anything and everything. Even the most surest of things have the ability to confuse you. And though you've done/seen the procedure for the thousandth time, there are always things that could take you out on the rivery sweats.
And there are always half chances. But those are something everyone gets on to. What you need to make is you make the best of the situations, and the right of the choices. Even though you're not sure which might mean what, or you might be surprised by what you find along the way, what you really need to do is know what you're doing and give in your best shot. Given the circumstances it's worth it: you do the homework, try and be infallible, and make it as swift. There's a fair chance that you might run the risks, but who doesn't? Being a doctor isn't easy and it sure ain't easy to be a surgeon, either. Both medicine and surgery are alike in serving patients a better and easier life but surgery proposes a different kind of air you love being around with. The aura that's indescribable. What I don't get is: what's the deal with the male preponderance?! Suggestion: You get along with one another: bfandgf. And spend time together, communicate. That's how you learn-- English and Chinese. Mutualistic symbiosis. After four years, it's perfectly polished and varnished... And I develop a velleity towards the Zhuren ;) What a dashingly charming person!
Wink. |
A RAW WORK OF THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND IMAGINATION.
DAYS OF LONE SELF
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